Voluntary work? Wouldn’t do it if you paid me.
Call me selfish but…
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Category Archives: Boss Gags
Dad Knows Best
After a particularly good day at school, little Johnny asks his Dad, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?” There’s a short pause…
“Well son, I can only assume you must have got it from your mother” the father replies “I’ve still got mine.”
Weigh to Go Pal
A man takes a girl on their first date to a carnival. Being the gentleman he asks her what she fancies doing first.
“I want to get weighed,” the girl replies. Although the man thinks this is a strange thing to say, he has a quick scan of the stalls and manages to find one where the carnival worker has to guess the weight of the punter. If he guesses incorrectly, the punter wins a prize.
“Ah, over here!” Says the man, feeling pleased with himself. They both wander over to the stall. After he has been paid the £2 to play, the weight guesser looks the girl up and down and hazards a guess…
“Hmmm… I guess 8 stone 3 pounds. The girl steps onto the weighing scales for confirmation and the scales show that she actually weighs 8 stone 1 pound. Not close enough, she wins a prize. Her date is chuffed. £2 well spent, he thinks.
The man then takes them both on one of the rides. Afterwards he asks the girls again
“What would you like to do now?”
“I want to get weighed” she replies again. The man thinks this is strange, but maintaining his gentlemanly form, he takes her back to the stall again. It’s the same weight guesser. The man hands over another £2, knowing exactly what the outcome will be.
“I guess 8 stone 1 pound” says the guesser confidently without even looking at the girl. Again she gets on the scales, and sure enough, he’s exactly right.
The couple wander around the carnival for a few minutes and he asks her again what she fancies doing next. “I want to get weighed!” she replies for the third time.
Too weird, the man thinks. He makes his excuses and takes her home early, dropping her at home before making a swift exit. The girls flatmate welcomes her home and enquires about the date.
“How did it go? You have fun?”
The girls frowns and replies “Aw it was wousy. He’s good wooking but he just doesn’t wisten!”
Light Humour
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like “Omg!”
Intelligent Man and a Blonde
An intelligent man finds himself sat next to a young blonde lass reading an in flight magazine on an aeroplane and decides to use the opportunity to see if he can’t make a few quid out of her. He proposes they play a game of wit. He tells the blonde every time she can’t answer one of his questions she has to give him £5, but to coax her into playing he adds that every time he can’t answer one of hers he has to give her £50. The man grins to himself deciding there’s no way he can lose to a blonde. The blonde figures there’s potential for a decent earner and so agrees to play.
The intelligent man dishes out his first question, “In MPH, what is the speed of light?” The blonde sighs and hands over the £5. “Now you.” He says smugly.
The blonde thinks for a few seconds before speaking. “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?” She asks.
The intelligent man looks utterly puzzled. Determined not to be made to look stupid, he spends the rest of the flight trying to figure out the answer while the blonde continues to read her magazine. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and reluctantly hands her a £50 note.
The blonde smiles and slides the fifty into her purse without saying anything. The intelligent man, graceful in defeat, begs “You totally had me! I really thought I was going to win that. What was the answer?”
The blonde says nothing and passes him £5.
Brother Keeps His Word
The new landlord at a pub notices over his first few weeks that one of his punters has a strange routine where he arrives alone around tea time each day and buys two pints of beer. He alternates between swigging one and then the other. He repeats this for a few hours then leaves. The landlord wonders why but decides best not to ask.
After this goes on for a few more months his curiosity gets the best of him and he simply has to ask the man.
“Sir, I know it’s probably none of my business, but I can’t help but notice your unusual drinking routine and was wondering, why do you always buy two pints and alternate between them?”
“Ah, well my brother is away. He’s in the Royal Navy you see. We used to meet in this pub every day and have a few pints together. But now I don’t see him, I promised I’d keep the old routine up so I drink for both of us. One pint for me, one for him.”
“Aw that’s nice. The next two are on me!”
A few more months go by and the scenario plays out in exactly the same way until one day the man comes in and orders just one drink. He sits and drinks it before ordering another, then another and so on. The Landlord watches this and fears the worst. He solemnly addresses the man
“Sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice you only bought one pint at a time today. Have you had some bad news? Is your brother okay?”
“Oh yes, fine” replies the man “it’s just I’ve stopped drinking!”
